12 things Toddlers have in common with Drunk friends

Parenting for the most part feels like learning to fly a jet in mid-air, guided by a 5000 page manual written in German (the pictures help). But when you’re parenting a toddler it feels more like being the only sober person at a wild party.

When babies cross the magical stage of being stationary (hardly the first six months) and move into toddler-land you begin to feel like you’re dealing with a very drunk friend.

1. In supermarkets, crowded malls, parking lots everyone stares at you because your toddler will lie flat on the ground for no apparent reason.
Toddler in a mall
2. From time to time they will touch your knees inappropriately and say “I luhve you” or “I really really like you” and mostly soon after they’ve raised hell over something innocuous.
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3. At hotels you find yourself making odd requests. “Hi, Can you please send someone up to the room. Our child threw the keys in the toilet…No we didn’t flush them.”
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4. They think dancing means jumping up and down, rolling on the floor and moving their hands around wildly. (Okay, this one is unbelievably cute in toddlers. Drunk people should just get a room.)

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5. It doesn’t matter if you’re running late. If they decide to spend 45 minutes on the pot, there’s nothing you can do about it.

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6. Everything and everyone is “mine”. The car, the dogs that live nearby, the movie they saw yesterday and someone else is watching now. “Oh that’s MY movie.”

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7. They love mirrors and posing for pictures with their cheesiest smiles, looking drunker than you know they are.

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8. Their urgency to pee is in inverse proportion to your proximity to a washroom. They want to “go so bad” when you’re on a boat, visiting a protected monument or sitting on the crowded banks of a holy river during evening prayers.

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9. Exaggeration is their middle name. Prepare to be badmouthed if you refuse them something. They will go around town howling to the heavens and saying you tried to kill them.

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10. They string meaningless words together to make grandiose statements that you surprisingly understand.

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11. They are open to being pushed around in trolleys, baskets and other curious vehicles for the general merriment of all.

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12. And finally, what really makes toddlers and drunk friends two peas in a pod is that you have no control over what they will do, play with, put in their mouth, dial on your phone, cry about, love today, hate tomorrow. All you can hope to do is take control of the extinguisher and point it in the right direction. Because when the fire starts (and it will) you better do a bloody good job putting it out.

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