Francis Picabia – Amorphis collection
1. At any point during the argument, throw him down. On the bed, floor, couch, grass. Maintain I-want-you eyes throughout.
2. Play the “You’re not getting any” card.
1 and 2 are polar opposites and can be used depending on which stage of the monthly horny-ness cycle (waxing/waning) you’re on. Yes, that’s a thing.
3. Start howling in a manner that is utterly disproportionate to the issue at hand. But use this sparingly. It gets old quick.
4. Stare at his crotch between sentences. Lick your lips, play with your hair. Distract him. You know how to work it girl.
5. And finally, when the argument is beginning to heat up, get quiet and mysterious and whisper that you’ve been meaning to talk to him about something. Then go around in circles. Remember, if you can’t convince, confuse.
A new revelation casts serious doubt on all previously held theories of male psychology. Recent conversations with members of the male species have brought up startling ideas, the central one being that sarcasm is the way to a man’s heart.
Until now it was a truth universally acknowledged that if you can please a bloke’s palate, everything else would fall into place. Mothers have tried to, sometimes even struggled to, pass on kitchen knowledge to their precocious daughters. But now if food has fallen from grace in the minds of men, kitchen knives might need to be replaced by sharp wit.
However, these revelations are based on certain assumptions that must be examined before we proceed any further. It has been empirically proven that to understand and appreciate sarcasm one must possess a nimble mind. But saying that all members of the male species are intelligent would amount to making a sweeping generalization. Therefore women must approach this subject with caution.
There are certain steps experts recommend to get the best results. First, women must ensure, after thorough examination, that the male-subject is more than a half-wit. Having satisfied themselves with that result, they must proceed to master the art of raillery. It would stand women in good stead to get in touch with their satiric side. A positive step in this direction would be to make contact with Mr. Wodehouse or Mr. Wilde. For a female perspective on the subject, Miss Austen would be a great help.
While borrowed wit can hardly be appreciated, originality will only come to the fore after diligent practice. It is advisable to continue the endeavors if the response is as desired. And if wit were reciprocated, be aware that you have greatness in your midst.
Practitioners of the art, both male and female, continue to vouch for its success. There have not been any reports of the mechanism failing at any stage. So perhaps it is time to reject old notions of seduction via Butter Chicken, and instead embrace the fine art of serving up delectable wit.